Friday, September 29, 2017

September And Something

I have been a very busy woman since my last post at the end of May. I was working nights at a treatment center and I was completely content there, even though it was an hour away from my home. Then a client went and shot his mouth off, after I had told him that staff could not have casual contact with a client until 1 year after they completed treatment and could not be in a relationship with a client until 2 years after they were out of treatment. I was put on suspension for a week without pay, and had to live with the humiliation of my superiors believing that I was interested in a client because of his statements.

It was the most frustrating circumstance, I felt completely helpless and infuriated at the male client. Then the new executive director made some staffing schedule changes and I was put on days. With fibromyalgia the physical demands of working the day shift were too much, so towards the end of June I decided to work closer to Seaside.

I began cleaning vacation rentals to pay my bills. I then got finger printed, got my Oregon Food Handler's card, and went through a background check, and went through training to be a caregiver at a long term care facility near me. When I started the night shift, I came to learn that my body would not transition back to working nights. When I advised the executive director of the facility that due to my health conditions I was unable to work nights, but I was happy to work any other shift. She wasn't having that and she terminated my position over the phone.

I found a cheaper apartment and moved. Then in August I was offered a customer service and sales position with 40 hours a week. It has been nice to not be afraid of losing my job. I also enjoy the interaction with people.

I was given a laptop, and my internet bill is very affordable...I have just had writer's block. I have been doing a lot of emotional processing lately. I no longer presented the symptoms that I was being prescribed pharmaceuticals for, so I weaned off of them, and I now enjoy living without side effects.

I discovered that I have food allergies, so I have had to adjust my diet accordingly. I have been focused on healing my gut, since that is where serotonin is made, and disfunction causes depression and anxiety. I am doing really well. I am taking a full spectrum probiotic, cleansing my digestive system and introducing micronutrients into my body.

I have been visiting my son nearly every Thursday, as I am at the mercy of the guardians' schedule and lifestyle. It has been very defeating to watch my son living in emotional torment, to see his feelings of defeat, and to listen to him tell me that he is miserable, that he doesn't feel like anyone listens to him and is patient with him like I am. 

My heart is breaking every day and there is nothing and no one in this world that can make the emotional and psychological pain go away, or anything to soothe the ache in my chest. 

My attorney gave me the hope that if I could show stability for a year that maybe the guardians would consider my son coming home. So, for better or for worse, I am sticking with my job for one year, and I am staying in my apartment for as long as I can. I am successfully paying my bills and meeting my responsibilities. September of 2018 will be one year that everything major in my life will stay the same.

I feel alone often, but I happen to run into positive people just when my soul needs the light from another to feel connected to others. Today I got much needed advice, encouragement, and I got the courage to write. 

I have come to realize a few things of late. 
Just because I am grief stricken daily over my separation from my son, does not mean that I am clinically depressed.
Just because I get overwhelmed at times, does not mean that I suffer from anxiety.
Just because my heart palpates in my chest at random, I have military training to notice details in human behavior and I pay attention to my surroundings, does not mean that I have PTSD.

I wish that I had a partner to comfort and care for me, but I am doing my best to function alone. It is really hard, though. I get feedback that I am perceived as a strong, capable, intelligent, well spoken, great smelling, beautiful woman, but I don't feel like I am. I feel like a wounded failure. I let my son down. I got a really painful tumor that messed with my hormones and I couldn't parent. It was awful. I cried so much.
And I was alone. No parents, siblings, friends, partner, nobody. 

And I was court ordered to talk about my horror filled life for a year and a half. False hope, late direction when I could have used input earlier in the weeks before therapy, and the mawing thought that I didn't need to check and balance my thoughts and feelings all of the time with someone else.
I don't want to be told how to live my life. It sucks. 

I had to do what others told me when I was going through the fruitless process of working with the state department of human services. I had to do what I was told in the medical facility that I stayed in, and at the respite center I was at for 3 months. 

Freedom is doing what you want when you want, with the exception of employment, unless you are self-employed. 
Freedom is being able to live with your children and love them without limitations or conditions.
Freedom is loving without constraints.

I don't feel free, and my son doesn't either. May the case manager who gave false testimony get her karma. I hate the way I feel every day, like my life is futile effort. Every time I visit my son I hurt because I have to leave him there. It is awful. I don't get how anyone can live with the naive expectation that a parent is supposed to just go on with their lives as if nothing is wrong, when everything that ever mattered to them is gone.

I feel like my heart is ripped over and over and over again. Children have such intense emotions, and depression is the hardest for me to see all over my son's countenance. He has given up showering because he hates living where he is. He has no joy in his voice, no light in his eyes. I haven't heard his laugh in so long, or even seen him smile, and I cannot do a thing about it. This is what utter powerlessness feels like. 

And I am expected to behave as if nothing is wrong, or else I should be on an anti-depressant. I am just learning to live in abject torment daily, as the slow march of life plods onward.
Will I my son come home to me in a year? Will he not?
Will getting my non-profit started be of any aid for my case for Caspian to come home?
Will I ever feel the love and support of another adult again?
Will I always be alone?

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Overcoming Emotional Atrophy

"What if you just spent this year loving yourself?"

I saw that phrase in a meme in January and it really resonated with me. I was 34 1/2 and I had left yet another toxic relationship. I had just started a new job and I was living apart from the individual that I had aligned myself with. I was feeling better about myself, but from self-assessment I came to the realization that I was not in the right headspace to be involving anyone else in my world.

Something was missing, in me, like regular human emotions and a healthier perspective of myself. I battle thoughts of self-loathing, guilt, shame, and insecurity. Mostly though, I came to the conclusion that I was dealing with emotional atrophy as a result of being in survival mode for so long.

I have to confess that emotional numbness was my default. Battling anxiety and depression had left me just finding an emotional equilibrium. I would experience fleeting moments of feeling positive emotions and then they would fade away leaving me to just feel empty inside. Granted, I would not be experiencing depression or anxiety symptoms, but I would only have a fleeting feeling love when I visited my son.

I read The Four Agreements with the intention of benefiting from a psychological approach and I came away with much more than just tenants for grounding myself in good mental input.

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

After evaluating the choices that led me to get involved in my

previous relationship, I realized that I did not have a center and that it had been a long time since I had felt positive emotions. I had got used to shutting out negative, because loving people had become too painful.  
I decided to consciously cultivate inner peace. I chose to focus on the positive affirmations that streamed through my Instagram feed and come into agreement with them.

Energy & Inner Peace

What is my recipe for inner peace?
I give myself a fighting chance my taking my prescriptions for my mental health issues. Emotions are energy, so I also employ holistic wellness methods such as crystals, oils, meditation and supplements.

I decided that emptiness was not something that I enjoyed, so I went to my local Apothecary, A Gypsy's Whimsy in Astoria, Oregon and asked Vicki about what I should do. I got a GABA-calm supplement for anxiety attacks,  a flower essence tincture, lavender oil and some crystals/stones.

Lavender oil is my go to for dealing with anxiety. It is known for its anti-inflammatory, anti-fungal, anti-depressant, antiseptic, antibacterial and antimicrobial properties. It also has antispasmodic, analgesic, detoxifying, hypotensive and sedative effects.  Lavender oil resonates at a frequency of 118 megahertz. The human body has a frequency range of between 62-68 megahertz. 

In my crocheted medicine pouch I put the following crystals and stones.

Amethyst: has healing powers to help with physical ailments, emotional issues, crystal therapies are primarily associated with physical ailments of the nervous system, the curing of nightmares and insomnia, and balancing the crown chakra.

Blue Kyanite: helps ground spiritual energy, develop intuition, creates an energetic shield around the aura, restores energy balance in all chakras, and assists in self-healing.

Tiger Eye: encourages proper function of the endocrine system, great for centering, grounding and balancing, boosts self-confidence, brings clear thinking and insight.

Black Tourmaline transmutes negative energy into positive energy, helps to release one of negativity and self-doubts, Balances right and left hemispheres of the brain, and Promotes clear rational thoughts. 

(Crystalpedia is the reference I used for crystal and stone properties and is a great resource.)

I also take a tincture of flower essence called Self-Heal (Prunella Vulgaris), it moves your body into resonance with the Earth’s electromagnetic fields, lowers blood pressure, and supports aligning of the chakras.

Here is a chakra and crystal chart

I have felt a marked improvement in my energy. I am able to feel more positive feelings and alternately I am more energetically grounded. The thing with stimulating feelings in the energy centers of the body, is that every feeling becomes more tangible, the good and the bad. For me this meant crying for the first time in months.
Actually dealing with feelings of pain within myself, allowing the pain to wash over me instead of ignoring it, has become a new healthy practice for me.

Meditation & Visualization

Quieting my mind to be able to focus is something that I struggled with. I like life hacks, so I found a guided meditation that has helped me to achieve my goal of balancing my energy. All I have to do is shut down my thinking and listen and visualize what the speaker is saying.

This chakra activating and balancing guided meditation helps me to visualize the energy flowing through my body. As a person who would be categorized as an intuitive empath, I came to the conclusion that I needed to have my internal energy balanced in order to be able to handle the energies of the world around me.

As a positive side effect to acquiring and implementing energy balancing methods, I have found myself taking more walks. I have found that I do my best thinking, formulating, and problem solving when I am walking. My home is just a couple of blocks from the beach, so I also get the benefits of negative ions from the ocean when I walk along the shore.

Keeping A Log

I bought myself a journal, my old one I trashed because it just had bad memories, relationship fails, and reminders of my previously very scattered self. I decided that I would approach my new journal as a log book focused on my positive accomplishments. I write the date, Wednesday, June 1st 2017, and time, 11:03am and then what is on my mind. I write down definitions of words, desires, accomplishments, frustrations, and my feelings.

It is good to have a private outlet for my perspective on things. It is also healthy psychologically to process your thoughts by writing them down. I find it a helpful practice.

What do you do to handle your emotions in a healthy manner?


Thursday, May 18, 2017

Social Sustainability

Social sustainability is the premise of the grassroots movement. A grassroots movement is one driven by the community. Grassroots movements are often at the local level, as many volunteers give their time to support environmentally sound, counter culture minded, socially economical solutions.

Nobody is going to clean up our mess but us, no the EPA, not commissions or councils, not state conservation agencies, individuals.
no one can prevent further pollution but us as well.
Here are a few issues that are affecting our society here in America and proposed solutions.

Reclamation Versus Consumerism

In a society that has consumerism as the basis for our global economy; buy, use, discard is the cycle that we have become benignly accustomed to, but from the very ecologically embarassing presence of landfills, we know that this mentality has an unsustainable outcome-pollution.

Different organizations exist with the mission to bring awareness about the need for recycling, but the ad campaigns for consumer products far outweight the publicity for affirmative ecological action. 

The ads we see in media are for brand new clothes, which are an ecological travesty. The textile industry is a huge polluter, but what other options do we have?

How about a clothing company that makes new and usable clothing items from out of season and discarded clothing items? Outer wear, to be more precise For used shoes, spray some athletes foot disinfectant and you are good to go. Underwear is something that should be purchased in sealed packages.

Reclamation can be the new fashion, where creativity and cleverness are celebrated. We see houses in third world countries where the walls are made out of glass soda bottles.

Shelter for the Homeless

The homeless don't vote. Approximately 2,000,000 people that don't matter to our politicians, therefore they don't matter to the media, and therefore they don't matter to the American public.

The mentality of most capitalists is that, "God helps those who help themselves."

So why does the man with the most resources and influence turn a blind eye to 2 million people, or about 0.6% of the U.S. population?

We the people voted a television personality and businessman into office. We have a capitalist in office right now, and businessmen focus on the bottom line rather than tedious philanthropic work with a demographic that cannot help themselves to become profitable for global business.

"People are homeless because they chose that lifestyle, and we should not give in to their pan handling to promote their parasitic existence in our society."

If you truly think this way, then you don't understand what happens to make people homeless, and I am sure that you have no clue how to help 2 million people anyway.

If our president will do nothing to help then we the people need to, the old fashioned way, by getting our hands dirty, volunteering our time, and giving of ourselves.

If I can come up with a cheap and sustainable solution for the homeless, you can read here about my proposed plans for self-sustaining eco-villages, where food is grown and more.

I don't understand why any government related agency has not constructed a working solution, but a single mom who has been homeless several times figures out a way where others have not.

All that is needed is land, donations and volunteers...

Accessible food for the poor and disabled

I am not talking about creating more food banks, or having more grocery stores give their past due date food items to food banks, although that would be a great move in the right direction.

Why? Because seeds are cheap, sunlight is free and water is available. If you look around for a recycling center, you may be able to come up with inexpensive topsoil.
You can get seeds with TANF, or "food stamps".

I am talking about urban gardening and urban gardens.
Gardening requires volunteers, people to share their yards and property. This would foster communication and relationships.

Urban gardens utilize unconventional means, often recycled/upcycled items to provide maximum growth from the space available. Recycled items include using old milk jugs, suspended by a rod through the handled and then anchored by wooden sides. Regardless of the items used, urban gardening encourages creativity and imbues a sense of pride in one's creation. Pinterest and Instagram are great resources to find ideas.

There are several videos on you tube about urban gardening, from stories of successful gardeners to how-to instructions. They are great for ideas.

Bringing Back Bartering

Bartering is a means of the exchange of goods and services through trade as opposed to the exchange of currency.
With the value of an item or service determined it easy to then work out a fair exchange that benefits all parties involved.

The person who can do physical work can trade their time and energy for eggs from someone who has chickens, chopped wood for homemade biscuits, handmade clothing items for cleaning services, etc;

Yes, that could be considered socialistic ideology and is not in the best interests of the current capitalist regime, but it would meet the needs of those who cannot meet their own. 

Do you have any ideas that could help your community?
Please share in the comments.

Amy Jo Smith

Friday, May 12, 2017

Selfcare for the Single Life

If you are single and adulting on your own, good job!
In my experience it is a mixed blessing to be flying solo in life. I don't have to answer to anyone, but then I don't have anyone to help me out, like a partner.
And boy, doing everything yourself can be stressful and exhausting, especially if you do not have family around, or you are a single parent.


Not everyone gets the benefit of a healthy family and positive home life growing up. Whether you have aggressive, abusive, or overly permissive parents, an imbalanced relationship between parent and child can leave

Since not everyone can afford a spa day, or a month long sabbatical to clear your head, here are some tips that I have found helpful for living a life-style of mindful self-care.

Self-parenting means being able to tell yourself, "No" when you need to. Like not buying fast food because your budget allows for groceries and bills.

If self-parenting is a foreign concept to you, I recommend taking a parenting class. I found the classes that I attended to not only be informative, but very cathartic in my reconciliation with my very difficult child hood.

One concept I learned is that feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong, they just are.
This statement gave me the assurance that I am allowed to feel and in turn I had more confidence in myself.


My best friend uses a Bullet Journal Planner to organize her life. She has her days, weeks, and months planned out. It is a great visual aid to remember your commitments, when bills are due, and to schedule self-care time. Also, she meal plans which helps with her grocery budget.

Living on a schedule takes the stress out of trying to remember what obligations you have to fulfill and when.
If you find that scheduling on your e-calendar to be a helpful tool, great! So long as you have what's going on manageable.

Plan Ahead

I am constantly thanking my past self for making preparations for my future self. Planning ahead for an eventuality is one way to limit stress in your life and a way to show self-love.

In addition to scheduling, here are some other ways to be prepared.
Budgeting; writing down your bills-rent, electric, car payment, insurance, savings, etc;
Meal prepping and writing a grocery list.
Keeping a list of what personal toiletry items, household items, and odds and ends that you need.
Choose your clothes for the next day before you go to bed, or even plan your outfits a week at a time.
Keep on top of your laundry by washing a load as soon as your hamper/basket is full.
Fill up your gas tank after work, so that you have a full tank on your way to work.


"A place for everything and everything in it's place."

I owe a lot of my inner peace and sanity to organizing many areas in my life.

I have developed the habit of putting my keys and purse in the same place when I get home so that I don't have to go searching for either one when I am heading out the door.

My kitchen is organized by different types of food items, dishes, utensils and so on.

I have my clothes hung up in my closet and my shoes lined up.

Containers are great to tidy up a messy space like a bathroom. My makeup is in a drawer, my hair products are in a cupboard and my hair appliances are in a drawer as well. Even my tooth brush and toothpaste are in a cupboard out of sight and safe from random airborne bacteria.

It gives me soooo much peace of mind to have my possessions not cluttering up my home.

Pamper Yourself

It is easy to do little things on a tight budget. One of the most relaxing things that you can do is take a bath with Epsom salts. You can add baking soda and essential oils as well. Light some candles and turn off the lights, maybe play some music.

Stretching and yoga have been very helpful for me. Intentionally moving your body and breathing are fantastic for grounding ones self.
Benefits of yoga:
  • Increased muscle strength and tone.
  • Improved respiration, energy and vitality.
  • Coordination, balance and increased flexibility.
  • Maintaining a balanced metabolism.
  • Weight reduction.
  • Cardio and circulatory health.
  • Improved athletic performance.

  • If it's in your budget a pedicure and manicure a favorite of mine for perking up my tires spirit. Getting my hair done is relaxing. Having a massage is so great and good for you too.

    Me Time

    I live 3 blocks from the beach and I love walking there. I lived near the mountains before and loved to go hiking. Walking is a great way to get your brain to process all of the little things that may be plaguing you. Walking by yourself is a great opportunity for you to focus on introspection and get to know yourself better.

    Writing in a journal is another great way to process what is going on in your life. The very act of using your hands to scrawl on paper what is in your head, has been proven to be therapeutic and even cathartic.


    My hobbies are crocheting, sketching, reading, and writing. I enjoy baking and cooking as well and find respite in the process of creation.

    Giving yourself the opportunity to exercise your creativity is so good for the spirit and mind. It also opens up the possibility of sharing your creations with others to inspire.

    Remember, when you take good care of yourself, then you feel better and you have more to give to others.

    If you have any comments, suggestions, or input, please do comment below.


    Saturday, April 22, 2017

    Self-Acceptance and Religion

    There is no place for self-acceptance in the Christian religion

    In my journey to seek energetic healing I have had the great opportunity to attend a DBT-Dialectal Behavioral Therapy group. I learned many important lessons. The first of which is radical acceptance. This means that one does not fight the way that things are, but that an individual finds a sort of zen in just allowing life to be as it is, rather than forcing, or fleeing circumstances that arrive. Accepting things as they are and measuring one's capability to respond to life in a grounded manner; to accept the world, your past, your circumstances, your choices and above all accepting one's self.

    Religion teaches a message of self-abnegation; to die to ourselves and live as a deity, or prophet was written to.
    The definition of self-abnegation is, "the willingness to forgo personal pleasures or undergo personal trials in the pursuit of the increased good of another."
    This means a cessation in the journey of the soul that this lifetime offers. A person stops believing in themselves and their own ability to learn, grow and mature in universal understanding, and have a much narrower perspective of life through a religious lens.

    Self-acceptance is the key ingredient to becoming a whole, grounded and positive being.
    As someone who has felt shattered and scattered I have benefited greatly from learning to accept myself. I live in humility knowing that all people are equal in their existence, some are just damaged.

    The most difficult hurdle that I have had to face is the pain inflicted upon me by my parents. I have lived with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-loathing. Why? I struggle with feeing that I have not been enough, I haven't known enough to make better choices and have an accurate perspective on interpersonal dynamics and how to foster as well as maintain healthy relationships. I just plain lacked certain heathy developmental concepts.

    Self-acceptance was never imbued to me by my mother. She was the first person to give me negative and defeating feedback, and the abuse that I endured left open fissures in my heart and damaged me psychologically. I have spent years trying to "heal". I sought answers in the Christian religion and I can tell you that there are no lessons in the Bible that teach a person how to cope with trauma, how to be a complete individual after having your psyche assaulted, or how to be a strong woman with healthy boundaries after having my boundaries assaulted my whole live in different manners.

    "Oh, but Amy, there are plenty of great Christian books out there that are about boundaries, the role of women, and living a peace filled life through the Holy Spirit."
    Yeah, the thing is that the authors use the spiritual perspective of a broken, out of date, culturally irrelevant astro-theological literary hybrid.

    The Christian Bible Is Broken

    The only Biblical model that has been written, by men, is Proverbs 31. It is an impractical list of the daily accomplishments of a dutiful wife by a man.
    The Christian biblical scriptures do not convey respect for women. I can say with absolute certainty that no single religious text has all of the answers for life.
    There is a song by Killah Priest called Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth, it is an acronym for the B.I.B.L.E.
    After much research and studying I stand in a position of understanding that has proven to me that that this is an inaccurate description of the bible.

    The error with the Christian bible is that the original King James version of the new Testament was completed in 1611 by 8 members of the Church of England. The oldest manuscripts we have were written down hundreds of years after the last supposed apostle died. There are over 8,000 of these old manuscripts, with no two alike. There were(and still are) no original texts to translate.

    The King James translators used none of these anyway, instead they edited previous translations to create a version that their king and Parliament would approve of.

    It is outright abhorrent how fundamentalist Christians behave; homophobia, xenophobia, delusions that medicine is not necessary for mental illness, unflattering modest dressing, isolation from non-believers, excommunication and shunning, anti-scientific views, child abuse, domestic abuse, and the lack of the ability to believe in the human spirit.

    So, 21st century Christians believe the "Word of God" is without error, but it is a book edited in the 17th century (that's why the terms 'king' and 'lord' in the text) from 16th century translations of contradictory copies of 4th century scrolls that claim to be copies of lost letters written in the 1st men. Men who at the behest of the church left out nearly 30% of the books that were translated.

    The books that were removed are 24 in total.
    The First Book of Adam and Eve
    The Second Book of Adam and Eve
    The Psalms of Solomon
    The Odes of Solomon
    The Letter of Aristeas
    The First Book of the Maccabees
    The Second Book of the Maccabees
    The Third Book of The Maccabees
    The Fourth Book of The Maccabees
    The Story of Ahikar
    The Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs
    The Testament of Reuben
    The Testament of Simeon
    The Testament of Levi
    The Testament of Judah
    The Testament of Issachar
    The Testament of Zebulon
    The Testament of Dan
    The Testament of Naphtali
    The Testament of Gad
    The Testament of Asher
    The Testament of Joseph
    The Testament of Benjamin

    Looks like the strongest authority on the Christian doctrine did not heed the statement in Revelation about not adding to or taking a way from the "Holy Spirit inspired holy" books
    The Catholic Church has the scrolls and books, as well as antiquities in a vault below the Vatican. 
    There are rumors that the Library of Alexandria was secretly transferred to the Vatican vault as well.
    Regular people are not allowed to go read the books, they are only read by those whom are in service to the church and have special clearance.

    I don't get why the people of this planet are not allowed to read the Hebrew mythology or the Alexandrian books. I bet that the Jews, originating from the Hebrews and the Abrahamic lineage, are rather miffed that 24 books of their heritage are locked away from them.


    John 3:16 has been the bait that has hooked so many people's minds. The promise of an afterlife. This is one theme that every religion has, the hope of a good place for the soul to dwell after death; paradise or eternal punishment-nothing else. The idea of a heaven and eternal servitude to a deity does not sound like a picnic to me, it sounds like soul slavery-as if our agreement to the salvation spell binds our precious free will in life, and our souls in death  to Yahweh for eternity. That creeps me the f--- out.

    The thing is that we have already solved the puzzle of what happens to the soul after the death of the body. Genuine mediums have been able to communicate with people whose consciousness is just beyond the frequency of detection for most people. People have been visited by loved one's in dreams. There is even a book called The Afterlife of Billy Fingers which describes a woman's experience of being communicated with by her brother who had passed on. It is a very interesting dialogue in which many descriptions of life after death are described. The experiences that Billy Fingers describe; many spiritual masters from all religions, the Akashic records, and other encounters that I won't spoil for you, just go to show that fearing death is unnecessary.

    People like Delores Cannon have been able to open our eyes to the very real concept of reincarnation. She interviewed and hypno-regressed thousands of people who described past lifetimes.
    The concept of souls recycling is nothing new, we just now have substantial testimonies of people who are able to recall their past incarnations. Other people have mentioned that after physical death of the body that they made a conscious choice, as just a light body/consciousness/soul to either travel the cosmos, or to reincarnate back on Earth.

    For 24 years I ascribed to the indoctrination and conditioning of the Hebrew and Greek translated teachings. I can say that the perspective of women in the bible is not in anyway uplifting to the feminine spirit.
    I am not any man's servant, I can speak my mind, I am not going to be sold to highest bidder, being married as a child is wrong, and women are not the wicked, evil, seductive temptation to men as they are portrayed. Just read Ecclesiastes. That was the final straw for me.

    The belief to, "Just give it to God." has not been in any way helpful. 

    Just giving over your thoughts of trouble to an ideology of a god absolves a person of the responsibility to seek out new information, to explore strange new intellectual territory, and to be open to the Universe being so much more than what 4th century writers could even understand.

    The self-proclaimed deity, the great "I am" Yahweh, hasn't returned anyone's calls for over 2,500 years. "God" as described in the Christian bible is just an idea, same as the adversary "Satan".

    Who is Yahweh?
    Wikipedia says,Yahweh (/ˈjɑːhw/, or often /ˈjɑːw/ in English; Hebrew: יהוה‎‎) was the national god of the Iron Age kingdoms of Israel (Samaria) and Judah,[2] and the ancient historical form of the Abrahamic God. His exact origins are disputed, although they reach back to the early Iron Age and even the Late Bronze:[3] his name may have begun as an epithet of El, head of the Bronze Age Canaanite pantheon,[4] but the earliest plausible mentions are in Egyptian texts that place him among the nomads of the southern Transjordan.[5] In the oldest biblical literature he is a typical ancient Near Eastern "divine warrior" who leads the heavenly army against Israel's enemies;[6] he later became the main god of the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria) and of Judah,[7] and over time the royal court and temple promoted Yahweh as the god of the entire cosmos, possessing all the positive qualities previously attributed to the other gods and goddesses.[8][9] By the end of the Babylonian exile (6th century BCE), the very existence of foreign gods was denied, and Yahweh was proclaimed as the creator of the cosmos and the true god of all the world.[9]


    My journey to healing has been very educational. I have learned the concept of self-parenting.
    Having taken 3 parenting classes, I understand how to parent in a non-damaging way. Do I succeed every day at this with myself? No. But I forgive myself and move on, giving myself grace in my humanity. I see myself, and others as spiritual beings having a human experience. That people are just other selves, that we are all one. We are a collective consciousness, but we are suffering from ages of indoctrination that we are nothing but demented, evil-ridden beings. We are sovereign entities.

    I struggle with self-care and feeling love for myself, I always have. I can practice love towards others, kindness and compassion, because I have empathy and I respect the spirit of other human beings. I can be spiritual all on my own without any deity as a middle man.

    The lie that we are taught through religion is that we have "a god shaped hole". I disagree.
    While humans may have been designed to worship by entities that chose to influence our evolution, as we read in the books of the Annunaki, hear in interviews with beings that are different than ourselves, and from years of collective research into the most sacred ancient texts from ever culture on the planet, we have the capacity to evolve.

    Many humans have begun to realize that there is freedom outside of indoctrination, that the religious conditioning that we have been subject to first in Sumer, then Egypt, then Rome, and then in the 17th century, is something that we can overcome.
    The teachings of Buddhism are not detrimental to the personhood of humans, and I see it as a spiritually healthy taught practice, but the goal is the same, to have a better afterlife through practices based on ancient teachings and texts. I think that it should be called The Teachings of the Buddha, rather than categorized as a religion, but with atheism be classified as a religion, apparently that is what our society needs to label a specific idealogy.

    The concept of zen is a great product of this ideology, and it is the least harmful practice of teachings for something that many people lack-enlightenment. There is no god in this religion, but a living out of the Dharma- cosmic law and order. Many people can benefit from the main tenants of what the Buddha shared. I personally benefit from meditation.

    Secular Spiritual Self-Care

    How does one even do that?!
    Simple, by honoring one's self.
    This requires getting to know yourself. Getting to know one's core self requires courage. There is no dishonesty allowed in looking into the deepest corners of our minds, to analyze the origins of our personal belief systems, and to not live in self-judgement, but operate in self-forgiveness.

    We make the best possible choices that we can with the knowledge that we have at the time. As we grow, we learn and we make different decisions. We have the capacity to be in a constant state of growth and a journey of self-enlightenment.

    I personally have had to exorcise the negative beliefs that I had about myself, and I am still doing that whenever I have a negative thought or feeling. I focus on the origin of what is bothering me and assess what I can learn from the experience.

    I practice mindfulness, and I have a therapist who keeps me accountable in my behaviors, views, and practicing mindfulness. I have read The Four Agreements.

    I have studied scientifically founded wellness practices that help my being. Essential oils, energy work, binaural beats & tones, stones, yoga, I practice my hobbies, meditation, hydration, and a diet that is mostly plant based. I spend time alone with myself, I write, and I walk out my thoughts.

    May you find your path on your journey of self-discovery.



    Tuesday, April 18, 2017

    A Crazy Sustainable Solution

    There two major issues facing many Americans today; homelessness and nutritional food.

    The typical response to seeing a homeless person is one of judgement and disgust.

    "Why don't they just get a job?!"
    "There is Community Action, why aren't they utilizing programs aimed to help the community?"
    "If they are a homeless veteran the government should be taking care of them."

    I have been homeless 10 times since my ex-husband left me when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I understand first hand what it is like to be afraid of being on the street. My reason for having such a rocky road has been a lack of savings, health issues, job loss, and bad landlords.

    Having experienced life in shelters and motels, I can tell  you that every program that I have been in has been a temporary solution. I had to start working to be able to afford to pay rent to have a home. Even transitional housing programs are temporary. Free rent is something that is unheard of...until now.

    An Unconventional Housing Solution

    The tiny home movement has been gaining momentum. Unfortunately there is a barrier that prevents the housing to be free. The tiny home communities/villages that have sprung up still require inhabitants to pay rent. And purchasing your own tiny home will cost around $35,000.

    I was inspired to design a few tiny home models based on an article about pallet homes. A website called with a video about building pallet houses.

    A pallet is 48 inches by 40 inches and about 6 inches wide. There is room for plumbing hoses, wiring, and soy foam for insulation.
    One of the pallet homes that I designed has a wrap around porch. The interior measures 6 by 6 pallets, or 364 x 364 feet for a total of 564 square feet. Since one side of the home will have 40 inch pallets 2 inch wooden boards will be added between the pallets to fill in gaps.


    This is a basic rendering of the first floor. The living room area can hold 2 shiatsu mats/beds, after the papasan chairs are moved. 
    I propose having wooden trunk-like boxes for shiatsu mats that are 60 inches wide and 80 inches long, or 5 feet by 6.6 feet. They are perfectly accommodating for tall people, or parents that co-sleep with their children.

    This is a basic rendering of the top floor. Imagine sliding doors for the rooms.

    For bathing I designed a bathhouse, again with sliding doors.

    Building a prototype will be necessary of course. Once assembly has been mastered, those that are able of the homeless population can help build additional eco-cabins.

    Sustainable Nutritional Food

    It all comes down to well planned gardens. This design is 10 pallets by 16 pallets. The blacked in areas are garden beds. This design is a total of 768 square feet, and that doesn't take into account any hanging items.

    Utilizing clever methods, like using products that nutrify the soil such as HUMAX, planning companion gardening, introducing night crawlers, and other natural measures. 

    Netting for protection from deer, elk and birds would be necessary. A pallet fence with gates would be a safe and clever way to keep children and the developmentally disabled from wandering into the garden. Of course a tool shed will be in order.

    There are 84 cabins and 41 bath houses. The lodge can act as emergency shelter with hanging canvas dividers, that can be hung up.
    There is space for 48 individual sleeping areas with shelving for personal items. A male and female restroom has been designed, with consideration of editing the model for a family restroom.
    The outer porch area of the lodge allows for pop up tents and sleeping bags for the months with nicer weather.

    Elon Musk has just recently shared that he will be selling solar roof tiles

    Brass Tacks

    Land that is zoned for residential construction will have to be donated or purchased.
    At least one well will have to be drilled.
    Sewage tanks will have to be installed.
    Small water heaters for the cabins will have to be purchased.
    Copper piping
    Electrical wiring
    Soy foam insulation
    Power tools
    Rain water collection bins
    Black landscaping tarp
    Water sealant

    Connect with me  via email to inquire about how to contribute     --->