Saturday, March 14, 2015

I Am My Now

Be Here Now

Right now it is raining outside. It is a beautiful grey day and Mother Nature is showing off her green, so much so that Astoria will resemble Ireland for St. Patrick's Day! 

I have fallen more in love with the people here. I got to work in the dirt and it felt glorious! I bought seeds to be able to plant once I get soil. I have a compost pile that is growing. I have new relationships that are growing. I am getting more support, services, therapy, and help than I have before in my life.

I am waiting on assistance or income to be able to have my vehicle fixed. I am climbing mountains of adversity daily. But my life is good and I am happy. I am non-religious, spiritual, organic, authentic, and delighted to be able to be a part of the lives of others at any given opportunity where I am needed. The future is uncertain, but now, now is mine!.

I Am My Now

"I am my now. I release all that no longer serves me." 
That is what I said to myself yesterday.I cracked open a rather profound truth and I struck a deep nerve in my psyche. 
And then something happened that just turned my world on it's ear. I realized that I had an unknown mass in my chest, that it was the cause of the horrifying pain I experienced that nearly suffocated me on January 8th, and possibly the source of many unpleasant symptoms that I have been having for a while.

I thought that October was just a scare and that since the pain and tenderness in the soft tissue was gone, that my mammary gland was fine. It seemed to have spread a different way and was saying, "Hi" 2 months ago.

I have a quart canning jar full of hot water, raw honey, and apple cider vinegar sitting on the window sill next to me as I write from the comfort of my bed. 
I have to wait until Monday afternoon to be seen by a medical practitioner. Then there will be a series of urgent, uncomfortable, and therefore scary tests. 
I finally have more friends who would actually go with me to my appointments, it is a wonder. I treasure them all! 

There Really Is Just Now

As I struggle to keep my heart rate low so I don't have a panic attack, I am reminding myself to live in the moment. 
The only way to ever really live life when we know that it is uncertain, is in absolute celebration in every precious moment that we have. 
I am not saying that all moments that we experience are worthy of celebration. I know all too well that reality is an example of the contrary. 

Being grateful for what we have and allowing that gratitude to permeate our souls. I have had so much suffering that this season of kindness and receiving love from other people in succession, is concussive to the paradigm that I have been seeking to shift from. 

There is more than the darkness of my past. There is so much more love around us than we know. I feel like I am finally learning how to do that and love others as well.

Amy "Tiger" Smith