Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Please be nice to the sick girl

I must look fierce, because I sure don't feel it.


Why is it that when we women are at our most vulnerable, that there are attacks, and from our own kind?! 
It is like sharks circling a wounded creature, smelling blood in the water, taking bites out. 

My white flag is up!
Can you see it?

I am sick with a tumor which is exacerbating 2 chronic health conditions that were mitigated, or "under control". 
I am living on pharmaceuticals, that means this is serious and measurable in the physical realm by 3 doctors. 
How can I be making this up?!

I am seeing a therapist because the injustices of this lifetime are really taxing on me and I need assurance that my coping skills are functioning properly, and that I am sane through all of this attack on myself. So, I know that I am in my right mind and can believe what I am dealing with, which is shit.

I am really disturbed by the maltreatment of a female friend, ditching me and forcing me to push a sick body, nearly beyond its capacity, to hike 1.4 miles up a hill home.
Another female went off on me about wanting her man and called me names.
And yet another female feeling threatened by my friendship. 
Last month I had to deal with a female being boldly rude to me in my own home, after I confessed to being in pain from my spinal injury and riding in a vehicle for over 5 hours.

I do not get people. Where has compassion gone?!
Is it because I am not your typical female hunting for male satisfaction?
I am too sick to do that, or be physically intimate with someone, it is certainly not ambivalence, it is self-preservation.

I am really frustrated with negative energy reaching into my bubble of safety.
I need some positive female energy. Thankfully I have an older friend who is like a god-mother, and she makes herself available to talk to.

A Ditching We Will Go

Imagine if someone chose sleep over keeping their word and transporting your sick ass home.
Then the medical transport cannot make an exception after I walk to a restroom, and you have to use a miraculously appearing $5 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill.
And then you have psycho chicks messaging and tripping about your existence and their male. 
Newsflash, we do not own anyone, women. We are interdependent with male energy, at least we are supposed to be.

Yesterday I got reminded of how cold the world can be when you are not adequately prepared and protected.
Whenever my situation hurts me I have to remember these mantras...
"My current circumstances do not define who I am.
This too shall pass.
I know my truth.
Every moment has purpose towards my journey."
...but seriously, can I just be sick girl, without reminding people constantly that I am not well?
If only I were wraith thin, if only my diseases were visible, if only I had family to support me...I feel like I am yelling without a voice.

It is really difficult to not have a vehicle, it is maddening that I could not drive even if I had the capability. My body is unreliable, and I am medicated. It sucks.
There are actually people who think that I am a drama queen, that I deserve this, and that I am taking "the easy way out", by cooperating with Child Welfare and doing what is best for my son right now.

I am severely disappointed in people who choose to judge rather than love me. I have had to endure massive emotional wounds recently, and I do not want anymore. I am about to have my 33rd birthday, and I am not sure if I will even be able to celebrate. I miss my son like crazy. We have never been apart for my birthday since he was 2. My son loves birthdays.

Like Magnets, Baby

Maybe it is a law of the Universe that when you attract
positive energy, negative is disturbed and it gets pulled towards you as well?
Why some things are a part of our existence, I just do not know.
Like how someone can see you suffering and verbally kick you when you are down. I do not understand how compassion, empathy, and encouragement are not default behavior!

I have been raising a little boy who is compassionate, empathetic, and encouraging. And anyone who makes my son question his default programming will have karma to pay!
It hurts me in a place that light has to get to, and cannot heal right now. It is unimaginably agonizing to have my son staying with strangers who are not sensitive to his special needs. It undoes and unravels me to not be able to be a parent to my child right now. 

The very fabric of my being feels like is it being rewoven. The bitter menaces of unsatisfied people are just snags on the loom. May my life be a beautiful tapestry, and may the wounded areas of my heart give deep scarlet accents to the works to behold.

Sensitivity Is OK 

I hate to hurt people in anyway because I can feel their pain. I can feel the emotions of others. I thought that I was oddly made for the majority of my life. Then, reading helped me to see that I am an empath and it is just fine to be made the way that I am.

My biggest challenge has been to separate myself from the feelings of others. It has been a practice that I am good at, keeping distance from the emotional epicenter of others while their emotions are evident to me. The most difficult thing is when I realize feelings in others that they either cannot, or do not want to look at and explore. 
It can make people very angry when you know more about what they are feeling than they do.

When I am feeling weak and low frequency, the permeability of my barrier of detachment can become extremely high. I can get overwhelmed by others if I am not careful to emit my own frequency, rather than be a receiver of the frequencies(or "feelings") of others. I can feel judgement, disgust, hatred, revilement, mockery, and superiority in the energy of others. It is really aggravating and sometimes defeating to know how people feel about you. It contributes to my depression at times.

Whenever I feel like I have depression like "the blues", I hear my best friend's voice in my head telling me to ground myself and my energies. Whenever I feel like I am coming undone I have to look at my foundation and remind myself of the truth of my core being. 

I have to make it a daily practice to ground and center myself energetically and intellectually. I still don't always make the right communicative choices, I still battle bad feelings, I still struggle with ego, but at least I am capable of recognizing those things now!

There is one person in particular that I had too much permeability with and who I gave power to wound me emotionally. I am grateful for the lesson, I needed it.
It is a wonderful gift that I enjoy learning, because this 3 dimensional existence is just a series of lessons.

Remember to meditate folks! It is a life saver!

#benicetome #spoonieissues #invisibledisabilities #frequency #onemoreappointment #givemeareferral #tumorissues #hatinglimbo #prayforme #indigent #stubborn #getgrounded

Saturday, March 14, 2015

I Am My Now

Be Here Now

Right now it is raining outside. It is a beautiful grey day and Mother Nature is showing off her green, so much so that Astoria will resemble Ireland for St. Patrick's Day! 

I have fallen more in love with the people here. I got to work in the dirt and it felt glorious! I bought seeds to be able to plant once I get soil. I have a compost pile that is growing. I have new relationships that are growing. I am getting more support, services, therapy, and help than I have before in my life.

I am waiting on assistance or income to be able to have my vehicle fixed. I am climbing mountains of adversity daily. But my life is good and I am happy. I am non-religious, spiritual, organic, authentic, and delighted to be able to be a part of the lives of others at any given opportunity where I am needed. The future is uncertain, but now, now is mine!.

I Am My Now

"I am my now. I release all that no longer serves me." 
That is what I said to myself yesterday.I cracked open a rather profound truth and I struck a deep nerve in my psyche. 
And then something happened that just turned my world on it's ear. I realized that I had an unknown mass in my chest, that it was the cause of the horrifying pain I experienced that nearly suffocated me on January 8th, and possibly the source of many unpleasant symptoms that I have been having for a while.

I thought that October was just a scare and that since the pain and tenderness in the soft tissue was gone, that my mammary gland was fine. It seemed to have spread a different way and was saying, "Hi" 2 months ago.

I have a quart canning jar full of hot water, raw honey, and apple cider vinegar sitting on the window sill next to me as I write from the comfort of my bed. 
I have to wait until Monday afternoon to be seen by a medical practitioner. Then there will be a series of urgent, uncomfortable, and therefore scary tests. 
I finally have more friends who would actually go with me to my appointments, it is a wonder. I treasure them all! 

There Really Is Just Now

As I struggle to keep my heart rate low so I don't have a panic attack, I am reminding myself to live in the moment. 
The only way to ever really live life when we know that it is uncertain, is in absolute celebration in every precious moment that we have. 
I am not saying that all moments that we experience are worthy of celebration. I know all too well that reality is an example of the contrary. 

Being grateful for what we have and allowing that gratitude to permeate our souls. I have had so much suffering that this season of kindness and receiving love from other people in succession, is concussive to the paradigm that I have been seeking to shift from. 

There is more than the darkness of my past. There is so much more love around us than we know. I feel like I am finally learning how to do that and love others as well.

Amy "Tiger" Smith