Sunday, December 7, 2014

How Grounded Am I?

I have been on this journey to wellness, with the aid of input form my best friend, mostly alone. Which meant to me that I was the one who had to fix what damage life had done to me.

You may not be responsible for the wound you receive, but you are responsible for the healing of your wound there after.

I finally found my happy medium. I had taken ownership of my energy and made huge progress with healing. I learned about energy and chakras, the energy centers of my body.

I found a chakra cleansing and activating mediation and listened to an activating frequency afterward. 
I finally had peace about writing about my journey as a single mother and I busted out 1,377 words. 

I rested the following day, and on Thursday something incredible happened. I connected with a guy with good energy. I did not expect it to happen. I have a focus on my wellness, I have been working on healing my damage energy wise, I had accepted my fate to be single until I was well enough to be in a relationship.

We fell hard and fast into a place of unity that I never knew existed. Our actions were from a place of comfort and understanding, and the passion an unexpected bonus to our laughter and intellectual sharing.

The message from his soul to mine is one of acceptance, appreciation, assurance, adoration, and is absolute. I am not afraid that his feelings will change. Feelings, yes, there is a whole lot of feeling going on for me.

I have not even had a chance to fully process my feelings and now he is having a wonderful paradigm shift of his financial circumstances. I wanted to be rejoicing with him, but my heart was too full, and all that came out was tears.

I went from being alone for a long time, accepting that, and then not being alone, and then being separate from the catalyst of my feeling and being connected with someone.

His heart is different, his thoughts are compassionate like mine, and he is kind beyond anything I have witnessed.

He deserves every good thing, and to be able to have the chance to show how he cares for me in his own way, and not feel not good enough.

Today when he told me, after 3 days of being together that he had a once in a lifetime opportunity to move to another city for a great job and training, I wanted to be happy and rejoice with him, but I just ended up crying. 
He wanted me to be happy and excited. I just was overwhelmed. I still have to explain that to him.

I am grounded, I am balanced and I am healthy. I just also am a woman with feelings and hormones, and I was unprepared, and taken completely by surprise.

I want this for him, I want this for is just that it means a lot to try to adapt my life now to his goals and desires as well. I had no idea that I would be pulled into his world and his heart as well. 
I finally start listening to my heart and begin to become myself, and now I am pulled into a different reality that includes someone else's dreams starting to come true.

It is all so sudden. And he asks me rethink and reevaluate my goals in life. It is all stardust. I must release it all to the Divine and trust that this connection will hold us together while we are in this phase of our lives.

May we both be our best selves, be successful, and continue to grow. May our paths and unity be blessed.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Happy Mossy Feet

I had to share my day's conquered battle with you.

Today it was having food readily made so that I had no stress when I met my day.
I was able to not feel burdened, and by something so simple!

I actually had the presence of mind to enjoy my surroundings and then think to share them. Usually, I am just stressed and feeling behind the gun.

This is what the ground looks like outside. No snow today.
There is so much green everywhere here! 

There is actually moss and clover growing in the grass! You can see the dirt where deer hooves upset the ground.

I woke up later than I wanted this morning because I woke in the middle of the night to potty and my mind thought it would be a good time to come up with lyrics. Yep, that happens to me, too.
I had a very insistent pup wanting me to take her outside. 
I took the picture of the amazing foliage outside. 

Just amazing that there is so much life-giving energy outside! The air was fresh and cool! 
I love where I live!

I had a sense of satisfaction once I came inside.

I have breakfast already made!

Talk about one happy mommy! 
Peace of mind is priceless!
And my 7 year old son is happy that he can feed himself when he is hungry and not have to wait on mom.

I had resolved to make readily available food when I went to the store again.
There is nothing worse than a hungry child...or a grumpy, tired, achy, hungry mommy!

So I made 27 egg muffins, or mini-crustless quiches.

2 red potatoes shredded
a Big handful of white mushrooms chopped
1/4 of a big sweet onion chopped
sea salt, pepper, thyme and sage
1 cup White Cheddar shredded
about 1/3 cup of cream and the remainder of my ranch dressing
12 eggs beaten

Sprayed extra virgin olive oil in muffin pans and cooked at 350 degrees until the edges were brown, the middle looked cooked and it smelled amazing!

Later in the day I made a gluten free pumpkin spice cake, derived from a recipe I found online...except I used my own pumpkin puree! 
I cut open a pumpkin, took out the seeds, sprayed it with extra virgin olive oil and baked it in the oven at 350 until I could poke a fork in it all the way.

I used my bullet blender and some unsweetened almond milk to make the pumpkin puree.

I had 6 cups from half a pumpkin! Wow!

It was a real hodge-podge of ingredients with almond flour, tapioca flour and my mistakenly purchased "gluten free flour" with garbanzo bean flour. Thankfully I can't taste it afterward! 

Does anyone else experience that with garbanzo bean flour? Is there truly no taste after the item using it is baked?

Here is how I made the gluten free pumpkin spice cake

1 cup organic pumpkin puree (made with almond milk)
3 eggs
1 tablespoon ground saigon cinnamom
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup almond flour
1/2 cup gluten free flour blend
1/2-ish cup tapioca flour

Blended with a whisk and poured into a 1 inch tall 9 x 13 inch jelly roll pan. Baked until done in the middle at 375 degrees

1 package of cream cheese
3/4 cup powdered sugar
2 tablespoons of dark brown sugar

So, part of my making my own little slice of heaven is to have my favorite brunch items handy!

What is yours?

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

If I Had A Butler...

My son is hilarious

He is 7 1/2 and an only child of a single mother. He battles the symptoms of autism spectrum disorder

By all accounts my son is pretty "normal". He could recognize and say out loud, or sight read, letters at the age of 2 1/2. 
I blame the educational television that he watched. Whenever he was awake something that taught letters, shapes, colors, or words was on. Blues Clues as well.

Cas was an early reader and he was the only child to leave his kindergarten class with a book. I was so very proud. 

My son has his challenges; self-control, sleeping without fear and not yelling at me.

I have my challenges as well; health and energy issues.

"I Want A Maid"

"to cook and clean for me." Today was another day that I felt like I got hit by a bus. 

My adorable son said, "If you have a maid then I want a butler."

Then the following conversation ensued...

Cas, "If I had a butler he could make me breakfast in the morning."

Me, "Ha ha ha ha ha! While I am sleeping!"

Cas, "If I had a butler and you had a maid we would have to give them a day off. And I want a young butler and a young made, not an old maid or an old butler."

Me, cackling!

I run over to the neighbor's who is moving out today and Cas yells from the open door off our porch...
"If I had a butler he could wipe my butt for me."

Me, "Ha ha ha ha ha! So I don't have to!"

Once again my motivation for working my business comes from the least likely origins.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Power Of Gratitude

The Struggle Is Real

I woke up today feeling like death warmed over. My body ached, my head ached and my emotions were flat-lined. 

After I overcame the awfulness that I thought would swallow me whole, I began to think that I am probably not the only person to have ever felt this way before, and I may not be the only person today to be battling for their sanity, positivity, and optimism...

I can't be the only person that some mornings, once conscious begins to feel a crushing defeat of all that I have failed to do, and my lack in capacity to accomplish looming over me, and shouting in my head that I am a failure.

It is so easy to have come to mind what we are not able to do, especially if one suffers from childhood trauma, a low self-esteem, and chronic health issues.

It is really easy for me to feel helpless and incapable in the morning. 

I just started my own business and I am also struggling with my health and not where I want to be financially at this present moment.

But, I prayed once I recognized that today was going to win without any divine intervetion. I put on lavender oil and I forced myself out of bed, against the crushing oppressive thoughts and I made my bullet proof coffee. 

And I started to battle; I began to think thoughts of gratitude for what I have.

Thank you that I was given 2 bottles of lavender oil.
Thank you for my organic coffee, the price be hanged!
Thank you for my organic honey, and that I the co-op takes EBT.
Thank you that I have another pint of heavy whipping cream.
Thank you that I have 2 cans of evaporated milk to make mini pumpkin pies with.
Thank you for the energy that I am going to have to make them.
Thank you for the energy that I am going to have to stand and clean my dishes.
Thank you that I have a bullet blender to blend my coffee ingredients with.
Thank you that I have cashews.
Thank you for my instagram followers...and the really handsome one that followed me!

Then I got dressed.

Thank you for my clean clothes.

And I altered the neck on a shirt that I did not feel comfortable in.

Thank you that Brenda showed my that my shirts can be altered for comfort.

I had to take my Chihuahua out, as she was dancing on my stomach and chest to let me know she had to potty.

Thank you for my amazing little angel who helps me to feel when I cannot.

I then picked up and hugged my son before I walked out the door.

Thank you for my baby boy, that he loves me and that I get to experience his childhood. 

Please help me not to feel like I am always failing, that I am not good enough, and that he deserves better. Please, bless the endeavors of my wellness focused business and may people see what I have and purchase what will heal and help them. May my business be fruitful. May I be worthy.

As I went to walk up the driveway to the street I saw the garage with many more boxes in it to my left. 

My neighbor and friend is packing to move out at the end of November. 
I am really sad to see him go and it makes me feel really lonely when I think about it.
So, I chose to be thankful for his friend ship and chat for a moment, not to be distracting from his progress.

As I got to the top of the driveway where the street is, the heartwarming scent of damp fall leaves hit me. 

My heart ached with sweetness. I inhaled deeper and smelled the damp pine needles and moss underlying the sweet leaves.
I heard the crack of a branch as a deer, I assume, walked above us in the thicket.
This is what home smells like to me.
The 50 degree weather beckoning me to not hold still but stay moving and warm.
And any nook of my soul that felt lonely and inadequate, suddenly felt whole and present in this time and place.

I am where I am meant to be. How blessed am I to be able to come back to where I feel is home!

Thank you that I am here!  

My Deeper Thoughts

How did my optimism die? It wasted away with every negative outcome to my choices and circumstances. 
Lost jobs, derranged persons who posed as friends and lovers, health that fails me when I do not want it to...

The glaring results of my circumstances, the separation from social opportunities to even try to lack of affluence. My home teetering on presentable if only I could stand long enough to accomplish my dishes.

Little reminders of what we could not achieve are what steal our optimism.

So, how do we get our optimism in moments when it seems impossible?!

I believe by being momentarily present and then looking at our current circumstance with regard to the entire picture.

I see the moments of our lives as pieces of a tapestry that is being woven together. 

I think that in moments of particular stress we have the opportunity to take a moment, take a breath and believe that everything that you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for.

I encourage you to take a moment and think about what you are grateful for, and if you are despondent, get some lavender oil, go for a walk, and remember how much worse life can be, or has been for you. 

This moment is a blessing.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Uh oh...I am going to have to ground myself

I love my friends!

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me!

I saw a post on facebook a couple days ago where my friend Christy put out there all the things that she has to stop doing because her home needed some attention, and as a result she was grounding herself!

I admire that so much!

I have been really focused on being available to people that are desiring to communicate with me. And I have been successful in my estimations-I have had 1 person a day for 4 days in a row interested in working with me. I like steady results.

But my home...yeesh.

It can be difficult to balance my obligations; 
Get myself put together for videos
Keep the kiddo doing intellectually stimulating stuff, clean, and fed
Make food
Take the dog out
Do yoga
Write in my blogs

I see a need to get my daily accomplishments done, and then stop any erroneous stuff. It is just that everything seems to be needing my attention at once.

So, divide and conquer.

I need to get to sleep on time, and then go through a written down schedule in the morning...

"I do nothing before"

I think that is a healthy boundary. I am not ready for the world until I do those 3 things, and the world really does not want me to interact until I am grounded and centered for the me.

Do 1 cleaning project a much as I can.

I still have not conquered my room, but I need to put more stuff in my storage unit until I can deal with it, like a coverlet for my comforter.

Then do what is on my daily work list.
Social media research
Instagram posts
Respond to messages
Make scheduled calls

Ah. I feel better just getting my daily tasks out of my head!

OK...who else is struggling with organizing their lives and sticking with it while working from home and being a parent?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I Heart Yoga

I absolutely LOVE Yoga. I consider myself a novice. I have 
only been to 1 Yoga class. I only know what I do now from doing Yoga with my best friend and from remembering poses. I really need to get a Yoga pose book...

Today, after my first cup of my blend of bulletproof coffee with ashwagandha tincture, I did my physical therapy/Yoga poses outside on my my awesome slippers. I also wore my Colorado sweatshirt, and knit shorts.
My service animal, who happens to be a 6 pound black Chihuahua named Melina, was helping. She put her front paws on my stomach. So cute...and surprisingly helpful with my grounding efforts.

It was awesome to have my joints pop into place. Just glorious! The clouds overhead were racing by with higher atmospheric winds. I listen to the 528 hz tone often. It is great to take a centering bath to as well.

So, it is officially fall, even though we are having delightfully comfortable weather to me, but definitely raining more often now. I am going to stop least until I have a reason to. I am going to see if not causing my body to process more biotin in unnecessary ways can actually help with my health. I am going to commit to doing Yoga daily. I already walk, but I need to set a regiment for it. I enjoy walking with people more than alone, though. So, often I get dressed and decent looking, and take my kid somewhere between rains.

I challenge you to do yoga and stretching once a day and outside if possible, it is a great experience!

Remember to breathe deep today.

Namaste, Peace Be With You

Amy "Tiger" Smith

Friday, October 17, 2014

I Am Here...Now What?

Ever accomplish an arduous goal and then have the let down after?

That is where I have been.
I came through some pretty big feats;
-letting go of my so called "life" I had been struggling to keep together for waaayyy too long, and dealing with the feelings of shame, being tenacious, and refusing to give up.
-stayed in a shelter in nearly complete and utter lack of control of my life 'shudder', and endured a sort of emotional bootcamp.
-went on a completely uncertain road trip in extreme faith
-actually made it to where I was going
-had to rely on the grace, kindness, mercy, and extreme patience of amazing people for longer than I anticipated
-got a home, got moved in, still working on getting settled in

I did it. 'Deep breath' I am in the small coastal town that makes me so very happy! I love the small town life, the breath taking views, the social economic support, and the kindness around every bend.

Getting me feet under me has been a really trying, although growing, experience. I tried integrating my son into school only to have to bring him home and battle with him to learn, whilst adapting to his much growing, breathing and patience building

And let's not forget that I eventually have to find a way to make an income, without losing my identity, sacrificing energy, and not being there for my son...

As a mom on her own THAT has been my biggest struggle. The feelings that result from the efforts of being a "good, responsible parent" have weighed me down, driven me crazy and caused stress paralysis. But today I beat that!!!

Today I started my day the way that I wanted to, against all the nagging thoughts that were starting to guilt me again;

I got on my fav rust colored cowlneck knit top, snug jeans (they were not called skinny jeans in the '90's when I first wore them), sock and then a second pair of thick knit socks, my beautiful second-hand brown boots and fixed my hair from crazy to cute. I put on my watch, puka shell necklace, and earrings, just for me!
I made my calorie rich coffee and poured hot water over chia seeds for a smoothie for when I got hungry later.
Then I read Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly because the words in the book have made an indelible mark on my psyche, and have encouraged me in so many ways!

Then I decided to start this blog. I see it as my daily self-reflection, which is healthy.

In Authentic Purpose,

Amy "Tiger" Smith